Don't make out with my wife yet
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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