Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
