i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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