i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize