he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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