If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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