nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
there is glitter all over my balls
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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