there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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