Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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