got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
