Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
