I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
