So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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