i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
