My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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