Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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