I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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