smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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