Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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