Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
