They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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