I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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