I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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