Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
