Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
