You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
