When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
