WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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