Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
