He disabled his match.com account in front of me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
