After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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