don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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