Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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