Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
