I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
