i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
