is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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