you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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