Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
