I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
