non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
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my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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