I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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