She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
