I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
