Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
