I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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