he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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