I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
