I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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