Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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