don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
