Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
