I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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