birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
