The beer is more important than you right now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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