textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
