Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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