So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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